Heard some stuff that I didn’t want to hear. Very painful, but more disappointing. Held back tears then, and holding them back now as I type.
I’m working on accepting that it’s what God has chosen for me. I trust the person I talked to, because I’ve never been given a reason not to.
I’m a very lucky man, with a great wife and family, and good friends, yet in this one area of my life, I’ve remained unfulfilled for just over 6 years now.
Out of obedience to man, I asked for forgiveness (40+ times), received it but really felt no change in me. I chose to forgive out of obedience to God, and experienced an enormous blessing for it. I feel justified based on the fruit of my experience, and have felt that I had honestly moved on.
Last night dredged it all up again, to no fault of the person I talked to. I love them for their honesty and for the courage that it took to tell me the last 10%.
If “it” is MY desire, I pray that it goes away so that it won’t hurt anymore. Wrong motivation I know. I should pray that MY desire is replaced with HIS desire, but I’m not there yet. I pray for and am excited about the other opportunities we discussed. I pray for them to present themselves and for the courage, energy, and motivation to go after them.
I confess, there’s a part of me that wants to take my toys and go home, but I couldn’t do it 6 years ago when I was justified, so why take the steps backwards as a man of God and do it now.
I feel far from you now God. I’ve been functioning out of obedience to you for a long time now. I’ll be punished if I don’t. Again, I know that’s not from You, just how I’m feeling.
I honestly don’t know what any of this means.